Beautiful Sadness
by epitomeofdeath
Summary: I am a victim of circumstances; of things that are not in favour of me, of him, of our love. We love each other, but obviously, fate doesn't agree. Fate decided that he should not be with me; not before, maybe not now, perhaps not ever again." A oneshot!


Disclaimer: Even if I want to, I don't own Inuyasha or its characters. And I don't have any profit from this story. The only thing I get is extreme satisfaction.

Hey! If you are reading this means you're interested in my story, which I am grateful for. And I would be more grateful if you would continue reading. I don't require you guys to review, but if you want, then that would be well appreciated. I apologize in advance for any mistakes in spelling or in grammar that I could possibly commit in my stories. I would also like to let you know that if the words, scenes, or the plot of my stories are, in one way or another, similar to yours or any of those that you have already read, it was purely coincidence. Oh well, guess that summarizes it all. Have a good day; because life is wonderful. I hope it always is. But then again, I doubted it.

**Beautiful Sadness**

**Summary:**  
_I am a victim of circumstances; of things that are not in favor of me, of him, of our love. We love each other, but obviously, fate doesn't agree. Fate decided that he should not be with me; not before, maybe not now, perhaps not ever again._  
_Pain and anguish have been dominating my life for sometime now, and I let these emotions into my life without regret. I welcomed them just like how I gladly welcomed violence and evil._

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* * *

  
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**_(Kagome's Ponderings)_**

It was supposed to be just an ordinary day for me; a day of no bitterness and memories that constantly tears my heart into million pieces.

As a matter of fact, before I let the well alter my life forever, finishing my studies served as my motivation and purpose in life. I have anticipated this day so much-my graduation day. I want to help my family and to do that; I must be able to secure a good future, not only for them but also for my future husband and children. But that was before I met Inuyasha, before I have even fallen in love with him.

However, as I marched down the crowded room where the graduation ceremony is held, even the tiniest speck of happiness and fulfillment wasn't just present in my heart. Ever since that unforgettable day, somehow, every day of my miserable life composed of extraordinary pain and irrevocable sorrow. And for that, my days back here in the modern era, were everything except ordinary.

I spotted my family waving cheerfully from the far corner of the room. They were all so happy for me that I felt a pang of guilt stab like a knife in my heart. I want this, or maybe, I wanted this, yet this day seemed to be just like a vague dream. Right now, I don't even know what I want. It is a miserable state indeed, for not knowing what you want is worse than not wanting at all. It's like you are a stranger to yourself, a visitor to your own world.

Along with the other graduates, I walked further along the hall until we stopped to seat at our respective places. I tried to wait patiently for the ceremony to be over so I can find myself pouring all the hurt I held inside. I envisioned myself in the well, crying and begging the world to let me see him. However, no matter what I do, though I scream at the top of my lungs, though I cry until my heart and lungs give up, things around me stood the same. Fortunately, having been surrounded by many people helped me hold back the tears that dreadfully want to fall. I didn't notice how quickly time passed by and suddenly I found myself walking to the stage and receiving my diploma. And thankfully, I was able to feel the slightest twinge of fulfillment, maybe because I also worked hard for this. Focusing on my studies had become an outlet of the every emotion I had.

My friends turn to me, congratulated and I wished them the best. We weren't really unhappy because we would all go the same university. My mother, brother and grandfather, who, luckily, are aware of my condition, have been very sympathetic throughout the process. My mother rushed to me, said nothing and instead hugged me. After a moment she then said,

"This event may be nothing compared to your pain, but nonetheless, congratulations Kagome."  
I was startled by her words, maybe because it was true. Nothing can make me smile or laugh the way I had before. My brother and grandfather, who were rarely emotional also came over and hugged me which only adds to my sorrow.  
They were very chatty on our way home, insisting we should go celebrate which is something that is normally done after or even before graduation, but I wasn't feeling well. After a long time of an awkward silence, my brother announced he was having a soccer game next week and that we should all watched. I, on the other hand, allowed myself to speak only until we were at home. We were seated in the living room; me thinking what I'm going to say, them, waiting for what I'm about to tell. My words finally found me, or I finally found my words, I wasn't sure, but the words that escaped my lips were, "I'm sorry."

"What for Kagome?", was my mother's response. Her eyes were full of concern while my other family members were quietly listening.  
"It's just that I don't know I really want anymore, I don't know what I'm supposed to feel.  
Silence. Deafening, agonizing silence.  
"Of course you know, sweetie. You love."

* * *

It was dark when I woke up. As I open my eyes, I tried to remember what happened after the incident in the living room. I was talking with my mother and suddenly, I was told to rest. Maybe because of the turn out of events. And so here I am in my room. Oh how grateful I am to God's little favors. This room had been my sanctuary, a witness to the hundred of times I cried. It was like a sacred place for I don't have to pretend to the whole world that I'm perfectly okay. Because God knows I'm not. I love him so much. I whispered his name with so much love and sadness. Then I did the only thing I wanted to do. I cried.

Love for him is above all, the cause of my seemingly endless sufferings. But then again, he is also the reason for my happiness and as far as Ibelieve, my very existence. I have finally admitted to myself that I had died a little every day. I dearly confess that I cannot fight this pain any longer. I do not, in any way, underestimate the power that this particular hurt has over me. I am a slave of my love for him. I am a victim of circumstances; of things that are not in favor of me, of him, of our love. We love each other, but obviously, fate doesn't agree. Fate decided that he should not be with me; not before, maybe not now, perhaps not ever again.

* * *

_**Inuyasha's Reflections**_

It was supposed to be just an ordinary day for me; a day of no bitterness and memories that constantly tears my heart into million pieces.

Stop it.

Once again, I silently uttered the words I have so often told myself. It's like they have been the two most used words of my vocabulary. Whatever

I'm doing, I always end up distracted every time I let myself remember even just a single thing about her. About the only person who probably valued me more than her life, the only love of my entire existence. My Kagome. I cursed my self long and fluently. Why did the things happened the way it did?  
Every day since Kagome left, I had devised a special routine to a point that it had been like a second nature to me. I have always spent every single day fortune allowed me to have by visiting the place that is memorable me. This place is close to my heart (since I believe I really have one) simply because Kagome had been there before. She may have smiled, laughed, yelled, and cried in here and I once again envisioned her doing the things she usually does.

Pain and anguish have been dominating my life for sometime now, and I let these emotions into my life without regret. I welcomed them just like how I gladly welcomed violence and evil. Because though I feel extremely sad and so down just thinking of all the things we've been through, the memories, whether good or bad, make her presence known, making me feel closer to her. Our memories draw her to me, making me remember of her face, her eyes, her smile, her compassion, and also, her temper. It's like she's just a few inches away from me, scolding, yelling and eventually threatening me she's going home. And if I ever had the chance, just that single opportunity, for once I wouldn't yell back, wouldn't call her names or walk away. I wouldn't get angry; I would probably let her "sit" me if that could make her heart content. Perhaps I will laugh so hard at the absurdity of it all and hug her tight she couldn't possibly let go. I would whisper the words I have been imagining to say, and do the things I dreamed of doing, those that would make her happy. But that one chance I desperately need have been deprived from me and that is what kills me. My body goes on, oh yes, it does adapt to the changes around me as the years pass by but my heart and soul had died long ago. I have died even before my heart stopped beating.

I stared absently at the surroundings around me as I lean against the lip of the well. The population in the village increased now because of the absence of the evil monster so the people were strictly secured. Crops were growing and the people were well fed.  
The day seemed wonderful but I can barely appreciate it. I closed my eyes to rest, but never my heart. It hurt all over making me vulnerable but at the same time, alive. It was very silent that I could even hear the birds joyfully sing and fly across the sky. I could even hear the river as it freely runs. Suddenly, I heard footsteps and it immediately alerted me. I started wondering who the hell dared to intrude my privacy at my special place. I stirred then I saw recognized his smell.  
"Are you sleeping?" Miroku and his family just had a vacation at Sango's village and are apparently home after 6 months. He approached.  
"I think that's a stupid question to ask." I answered stubbornly but did not opened my eyes yet.  
"Obviously." Finally coming to the understanding that my entire attention had been with her. Only her.  
"How are you doing these days?" he asked.  
"Oh I'm fine. How could I not be?" I lied.  
"Right." There was a trace of sympathy in his eyes.  
Silence.  
"How are Sango and the kids?"  
"They're good, exhausted from the travel but they're all excited to see you."  
"Let's go then."  
I opened my eyes and was just about to get up and see to my friend's family but was stopped by my friend's firm grip on my arm. I looked at him in bewilderment. He knew he was no much for my strength but he still taunted to hold me firmly.  
"We need to talk first."  
"Damn it, Let go!", I roared, knowing very well the reason for the conversation.  
He didn't and sat me down.  
"Stop it Inuyasha."  
Seriously? Those words again? Unsurprisingly, I began to feel a twinge of pain as I tried to answer him. How many times have we been in this kind of conversation? I honestly cannot count. He and Sango never failed to do their duties as my friend but I cannot help but feel annoyed. The subject was too sensitive.  
"Believe me, I tried. I tried so hard. But I just couldn't." The desperation was evident in my voice.  
"There is a difference between being influenced by your past and being controlled by them. Please don't let it control you."  
How could he think I was being controlled? Does he honestly think I force myself to experience all this?  
"It doesn't. The past does not control me in any way, Miroku. Because if it does, then it means that my agony isn't genuine. And you know very well that all my feelings and pain are sincere. It means I have no choice. But I would prefer feeling this than fall in love with another." My words sounded wise to my own ears.  
"But you need to move one for your sake! We cannot bear seeing you like this! That's the reason why we spent a vacation in the first place. You are experiencing a great loss, we get that. We all did. She was also loved by us, and we still love her. But you have stopped being who you are. You don't eat, don't smile, laugh or yell. You don't get angry, and you don't interact. There is only one emotion in your heart and that is sadness. It's not healthy!"  
"Do you think I care?" I rhetorically asked with surprising calmness in my voice. "Maybe you don't, but we do. Let yourself be happy. You deserve it. Just move on Inuyasha."  
At those words, I began to feel my patience slipping away.  
"I can't move on!! Don't you understand?! I don't want to! I just can't. To move on means to let go, to forget. And that is the last thing I want to do!  
Miroku wasn't successful in his attempt to hide his surprise at my sudden outburst, considering the coolness I had only seconds ago.  
He remained silent, trying to think of his next words. But before he could utter the words, I gently spoke up with so much love yet pain in my voice.  
"I just want to remember more."

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Author's Note: There you go. I hope you like it. Because I do, it's my work after all. I remember I told you not to review, well please scratch that for I need your opinions. Do still want me to continue with this story? Or will it be better this way? I would value each of your opinions with the utmost regard but if there's anything wrong with my work or you do not like it at all, please be gentle when you tell me so. Thank you very much guys. Have a good time!


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